Indian Weddings Described
In India, marriages that are supposed to be made in heaven are often elaborately manufactured, meticulously planned and glamorously packaged after testing the waters in what turns out to be a prolonged affair, or arranged through the efforts of distant mutual family friend or relative (sometimes even through the intervention of a matchmaker or an astrologer) or through collective dating platforms called matrimony sites or swipe-based apps — where a relationship of convenience turns into that of convention. Weddings are dazzling cloaks on flesh and blood bodies that barter consent for a bright food-drinks-entertainment extravaganza.
As a child, I was always fascinated by the idea of weddings as portrayed by Bollywood since it presented it as a gargantuan three day long affair. These movies had songs for every occasion interspersed with a fragile plot and doled a buffer of immortal songs for every procession. I remember the self-choreographed snake-dance moments of some uncles, pulling their gaudy yet shy partners (referred to as their Missus, a term which I even now find irresistibly funny) to shake a leg, some experienced yet low energy people parading at the back, a florally decorated Maruti 800 or a mare, people waving cheap currency notes in circles to ward off evil eyes. For me, it was about how fast I could dance and run ahead of the multi-coloured over-dressed women carrying bright lights on their head, tear flowers, dash here and there so as to be not noticed by parents, and to make a new group of friends who would help me in my knavery. I would don my designer wear with pride, clothing which I could wear either on a Navratri Night or a wedding. In some acquaintances’ weddings, it was often like business — a mandatory photo on stage, eat, smile and rush back especially when one is supposed to attend multiple weddings during wedding season.
The movies sold a wedding dream and story books layered with TDH (Tall, Dark, Handsome) principles unconsciously. Some movies even sold a European dream which became a mental construct for a honeymoon destination. Dressing well became an important part of the wedding as I grew up and playing and running around turned into gossiping with friends and sometimes avoiding weddings altogether where no friends would come. Later, staying out of home for higher studies made me miss a lot of weddings which I do not regret at all. Some I chose to avoid willingly as staying at home alone and calling friends over was better option than intruding elders at weddings. I missed two of my best friends’ weddings for reasons that then seemed important at that time but seem trivial now.
Very soon, weddings which were limited to friends and family to be cherished later through a photo album or a video cassette/CD turned into an industry with pre-wedding deals being an equally important experience. Now, there are a series of rehearsed-yet-uncoordinated dances, on the spot events, “wow” moments, games for ice-breaking, cocktails, bachelors and bachelorettes in some funky spots, exquisite food from various continents, dress codes, pool parties, curated experiences which start from guests landing to the customisation of cards and gifts, and plenty more. These are mostly Instagram and Hashtag weddings, planned months in advance to give it a candid yet beautiful look.
The success of the wedding depends on live updates, engagement on social media and recall value by family and friends. Somethings that do not change in these weddings are the garrulous aunties, unsolicited advice from elders and peers, uncles trying to behave well, snake-like queues for the food counters as if they were in hostels, the grotesque piling of heaps of bones cruelly removed from meat, anonymous burps, potential brides jettisoning their presence in the shaadi market, unmissable desserts, pelvic thrusts, sexist songs that celebrate women, alcohol and riches, packed groups near the bride-groom stage, women fighting for that last inch of mirror inside restrooms, nicknaming the eligible boys and girls, shhh- talks about first night like wrapping sanitary napkins in newspaper and given in a black plastic and drafting preamble for more marriages.
Visiting my close relatives’ weddings is different from others because of the responsibility that is expected of me. I have been the heart and soul of making such drab weddings lively. I relive the memories, foolishness and fun of our former years in their weddings and take a sigh of relief as I have consciously chosen not be a part of this melodrama. Besides there was always a garnish of some men who noticed and tried to slyly create opportunities to talk under the pretext of being on the other side of the wedding. In a cousin’s wedding, for instance, my mother kept introducing me to prospective grooms. Until very recently, she had a bio-data ready always to be Whatsapp forwarded at the slightest show of interest. I have delicately drawn boundaries of acceptable behaviour at relatives’ weddings but at friends, I am an uncaged free spirit.
Talking of free spirits — In some weddings, I do not even remember a lot about the rituals and functions under the dual effect of reunion with friends and the consumption of a bit of alcohol. Recently, during the wedding of one of the closest friends of my best friend, I stayed at the room allotted for unrestrained hoodlums (the grooms’ buddies) and enjoyed the most. I shocked many when I merely took a blink of an eye to get myself presentable, woke up fresh after almost sleepless nights and shared a palatial bathroom (without locks) of a villa suite in a resort selected for destination wedding. What I remember is wearing shades and dancing, breath loaded with alcohol, braving the sun, and glimpses of the groom almost drunk at all times and sleeping on his own puke. At a colleague’s wedding, one gentleman colleague asked me, “When are you giving a feast? We want it soon.”
I replied, “ Tommorow if you want. Or else, when I adopt a girl, I will throw a party”. He has not dared to speak ever after.
In my thirties, I understand the door-mat like importance of weddings. For me, a wedding is an extremely frivolous show of extravaganza before gambling into a full time decision of staying, adjusting and living with a partner, accepting the fluidity of space and homogenising experience which could have had a beautiful variation without this hypocritical show of love and wealth. After all marriage itself is an institution that consumes dignity in the name of care. Huge fat weddings to give identity to marriage is a license for doing wrong because society is a witness to this leap of faith and when done together, no crime is too big, it’s just a minor insolence. And choice to not get married is a freedom, let all enjoy it.
